Diary of Carmen (Vampire)

Hey folks!! Haven't had much to say recently...hence the lack of diary entries.... But I just got some news about Jonathan that I wanted to share! It's sort of funny, but it turns out he was on a business trip! I knew it!! What is weird though, is that he said he is away in Translyvania....... That's where D said he is from.... What a weird world. Even weirder, Jonathan said he was meeting with important people who apparetntly are looking for property here in the city....... He said he shall return soon, and i am anxious for his arrival. In other romantic news, the girl I have been seeing has unfortunately fallen ill. I recommended her to go see my good friend Dr Seward, to no avail.. Poor lucy.. The light in her eye seems duller each day, and she grows more pale as the day goes on. No ammount of food or drink seems to flush her face.. How strange.....

Monday, July 31st, 2023

First off, im sorry. Second off.Sometimes i feel like just meat or something that is made to be plugged into an outlet and get zapped with electricity. like im a object first and foremost like im somehitng for peoole to exxxtract the life force out of and leave alone in my room in the dark. it makes me cry so much even in the moment its like i can see the future and i know whats going to happen and i just cry. i have a door to the outside in my bed room that i stare at from my bed. sometimes i can hear things happenig out there but i dont have any windows in my room so i just have to gueess whats happening. i could go outside but i dont evene wanna know what would happen if i did that. last time i went out like that i tried to talk to some twink and sort of forgot that most gay men do not like girls. im afraid of who i could be. i could be cunt and cool and a and a and i could be cool and a socialite. but lowkey i feel like i have to monitor everything i do still to this day which is frustrating because like, isnt 'being who i wana be' the whole point that im doing this..... well duhhhhhhh but like when I DO do what I WANT i get FLASHED by MEN in the FITTING ROOM! So like what is going on. THe world dont wantme to succeed but the other day I watched paris is burning for the first time (i know i should have watched it yearsago but..) and I just cried and cired cried and cried and it made me apprecitate this life and my friends and how things have changed even though its scary I am so happy and I wish i had more confidence to life even more of my own life but it is jsut so scary. and so like i tried. and this guy showed me his bulge in the fitting room. I remeber the first time i went out inpublic looking cunty in a skirt i got followed 5 blocks on the way to a job interview i really wanted and fumbled the interview because i was still shaken and scared. but i can do what ever i want.i can do t his. i will be the most beautiful carmen i can ever be because im in my 20s and I wanna look fucking COOL!!!!!

Sunday, November 12th, 2023

Time flies when your having fun I guess :? I moved in August to a new place that is so much nicer than my old place. I have windows again. Sorry for the last little depressive diary entry, I think i was really going crazy in that place lol. Crazy enough to make this website and a fake character in my head that i was roleplaying as on this page. Anyways. THink im gonna try to keep updating the page now but no promises. Kinda lost a lot of my HTML skills i fear.... We will see. First I gotta go to pintrest and steal some mood board images lol. Still working retail but I might get a new job soon. An office job no less.... If I get it I will keep u updated. I remebered i had this page tonight because I was itching to type my thoughts but had no outlet. thats literally why i made this page tho. sometimes a girl just needs something to do with her fingers I suppose. tonight i ate a turkey and cheese sandwich with mayo and mustard. and some goldfish. I got some really cute ballet flats since we last spoke. wayyyy better for working in compared to my like 4inch mj's lol.... Kitty is still doing fine btw in case u were wonderring. She has so much more room in this new place and im happy for her. Oh by the way in case anyone is wondering the theme music for this page is the WaterWorld for SNES Map Music. love this song. I've used it in school projects before. its a perfect loop. when i write for this page, i listen to it. i wish it was continuous play on each page, instead of starting over. im sure theres a way to do that but idk how.

Monday, November 27nd, 2023

Happy Holidays Everyone. Hope we all had a good Thanksgiving!! What did you do? I got to hang out with my friend. He was here in the city and his gf was out of town so I went over and we ate chicken and watched something. I dont know what we watched. Actually, it was Anthony Bourdain. Love that guy. So sad. I like watching televison with my friend. He is always making interesting comments about what is going on. How he would feel, how he thinks a certain food would taste. What he thinks is in it. Different stuff like that. It's nice to have someone like that to watch something with. Makes you know they are engaged with what you are watching. I suggest finding a friend like that. After that, around 4pm, I went to my other friends house. She was cooking with her nextdoor neighbor. This friend is one my best friends. to be honest im in love with her, but im managing it. We kiss and stuf but, its different. shes my friend and i love her. And so she cooked a full thanksgiving with her neighbor. About an hour into my visit they brewed 3 cups of mushroom tea. We drank the mushroom tea about 30 mins later. About 45 minutes later, all the food was done, and we were on Mushrooms. Nobody ate anything. It was a low dose. I went home around 9:30. But it was nice to see my friends. They did all the cooking and it was all pretty good. A full thanksgiving, really.

Saturday, December 2nd, 2023

I bought a crucifix and a douche on Amazon.com. The crucifix arrives tomorrow, Sunday. The douche arrives Wednesday. Hmmm. Ive been cleaning my room more recently. No real love life updates. I could make some up, though. Only If it makes you happy. I love you so much. DO you know that? I love you so so much. If you were here right now.

Monday, December 2nd, 2024

Omg its been a year since I was last on here... Awkward! What i wrote previusly was weird so i deleted it but its been here a year lol. Im on here because i feel like i need to get back to work on creative things instead of playing video games. i am worried about the future right now. I wish we had Mao back or something. Its crazy what certain people are able to get done incredible things. I wish to be important in that way. but i dont feel as though I have enough to say about it all, a unique perspective based on what is required in our modern conditions. there is just so much to do and i am afraid there is little time. How could you unite a popular front with little influence and low social credit. is a message strong enough to transcend messanger? must be a damn good message LOL!!!

Monday, March 31st, 2025

There is a thunderstorm right now which is actually indicitave of my internal struggles and the issues plaguing my life. I have once made the mistake of forgetting the embarassement that would arise if any close personal friends or prospective lovers read the deeply personal things which i have written and since deleted on this website. I will not forget now, except for how I just did right there in the last sentence. I will however say this for the purpose of recording my mind and the things goings on. I have now exited a relationship that for me was a big struggle and will likely take me a while to recover from. Because of this, I think I will probably be writing on here a lot more. I might make a new page of Diary 2 or maybe Ill make it hard to find. I want to be able to write and not worry about people reading it but feel like I am actually doing something tactile. Creating a page for me was a part of that. I wanted to feel like I had real estate on the internet. The next step would be to migrate this page to its own domain. I have always wanted a domain. This page started off satricial and I wanted to do Dracula Daily but on a neocities site. however, I lack ambition and drive to accomplish that fully. plus all the other stuff required. I would like to have this page just be a space for me to type. Truth be told I don't have many friends and so this feels like a good way to get everything off my chest. I also like being able to date these posts. For me, this last year has been a blur. i cant remember much to be honest. ever since I got this job I have been struggling to find a balance in my life where I feel creatively fulfilled. I am trapped in a cycle of poorly timed inspirations and electronic fatigue. But this world is just getting too bad. Sometimes I wonder how time we have left to keep doing this stuff on here. Not just posting but like, widespread easy access to electricity, food, water, etc. I am not a doomer ( i am ) but i am worried. I am too lazy to do anyting about though.

I feel like I've lost parts of who I am in the last year. I feel like I've had to sacrifice them to accomodate my 'living situation' (to borrow a gofundme-ism). but I have also learned a lot about who I am and who people are. I don't know. i started this website when i was super alone. in the period of time since, I have found friends and community, and I have lost it. Of my own hands. I think. I don't know. I miss. I miss how things were when we first started and you and that girl were the coolest people i had ever met. I felt the closest to what I have always wanted. But you just can't trust polyamourous hoes. Girls move to new york and things change. Its cool. It happens. I just miss what things could have been. I wonder if you feel the same. I think I was happier when I was starving. I don't know. i feel ashamed of how when you really get to know people, and really, when people get to know you, all pretenses and masks are pulled back to reveal the naked ugly truth below. I have lost friends countless times. I am the problem, I must be. is it weird for me to feel violated by the initmate nature of which my heart was beared and rejected? I am talking like a fucking gay ass dumb ass idiot. I am chalant, i am not cool. this whole website is a desperate plea for anyone to think I am cool and like, it worked. I made friends. Not from the site I guess but the construction of it and the principles which it ascribed to me. I can never been a cool dracula girl like this website puts me on as. I go to bed at 11 PM. I don't do drugs like I used to. I am a loser with a 9-5 now. It's pretty embarrasing. The fashion zone is particullarly laughable. Sort of an highschoolers understanding of - here we go. I am cutting myself off from that sentence. I don't need to publish that. I already forgot what I wrote earlier, about the humiliation of writing this personal stuff on here. I need to stick to purely mundane daily occurances to just keep track of time. No one wants to read my suicide note lol. Heres what's happened, for historical records:

I woke up, brushed my teeth, shaved my face. Got dressed, kissed her on the head as she slept one last time, went to work. I ordered coffee on the Dunkin' Donuts mobile application while riding the trolley. When the trolley got to my stop, I realized I never pulled the bell requesting a stop, so I did it as we slowed into the stop, but the driver just kept going. I missed that stop and got off the next one. I got to work 10 mins early. I got an Old Fashion donut this morning. Usually I just get coffee, but I really wanted an old fashioed. I worked until noon. I took two bathroom breaks. On my lunch break, I went to CVS and spent $20 on toothpaste and dental picks. I am flossing more because the last time I went to the dentist I had two cavities. I stopped at a news stand and I bought a CaliPods Peach Mango Watermelon disposable vape. I tried to get lunch. I went into the deli near my work, but I got scared of food choices and prices so I left before ordering. I went back to my desk and ate some Dot's pretzels that I had also purchased at CVS a week or two ago. I looked at this website for the remainder of the break. Then I worked for 5 hours or whatever. I got off work at 5, and came home. Wilder's red curtain and pictures on the wall were gone. I am being chill about it. I cannot let anyone know how I feel. Except for everyone reading this i guess. OMG!! Then I sat on the couch. I smoked weed, and i ordered a falafel salad private taxi'd straight to my door. god bless america amiright. then I started thinking about all this stuff that I have been typing about. I guess then I wrote on this website. I think I'll end this diary entry now

Tuesday, April 1st, 2025

It's noon now. Pretty embarrassed about that stuff I wrote last night. I just assume no one will read it anyways. Here's something, I am happy today. APRIL FOOLS!!!! I got drake in my ear right now asking me why I have to fight with him at Cheesecake, because I know he loves to go there. That was a lie I am not listening to anything right now. Here is what has happened today so far: I woke up at 6:30AM. I brushed my teeth and took a shower. I shampooed and conditioned my hair. I applied the serum stuff for my hair that Ben gave me. Dusa Plant Essence or something. I got dressed. Today I am wearing brown courduroy pants, a green lace tank top, and a black short cardigan. I feel like none of my clothes fit today. My stomach is spilling over the sides of my pants. My pants are tight, and my tuck is constantly coming loose. Not cute. My eyebrows look crazy right now. I haven't been keeping up with them because I broke my makeup mirror like 2 months ago. Need to get a new one but can't afford it. We had so much mail today. Learning to accept the things we cannot change! I am scared right now, I am anxious. I decided as soon as I put my pants on that this month will be "Skinny April" where the goal is to get skinny in April. It will be tough. I plan to skip one meal a day to accomplish this goal. Probably lunch. I got scared of buying lunch, so I bought two boxes of Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut Peanut Bars. They were on sale at CVS for $1.99 a box, basically half off. I am too scared to eat one. I will eat one when I feel most fragile. I have therapy tonight. SHE is supposed to come over to get the rest of her stuff today. I don't know if I will be able to see her. Will she be there when I get back from Therapy? I do not think so. I am sort of hoping not, because I have no idea how I can react normally to her prescence. I muted her and her friends on Instagram and twitter. She saw my instagram story earlier. She did not 'like' it. I will try to update this page later tonight.

11:22PM now. Feeling drawn to consumeristic habits and patterns. Playing with toys. Got a new mirror in the mail, I stepped on the other one in the middle of the night a couple months ago. This mirror has a ring light built in. It has a touch button on the mirror to toggle the light and its modes. For a second, my instincts made me try to find a way to turn the mirror off. For a second, I forgot about the natural qualities of a mirror. The ring light on the mirror lets me see a lot of new stuff about my skin. I think my skin is very weird. Sort of yellow and purple and red and under my eyes are dark purple. I got laser the other day for the first time in 2 years since I did it last so now the hairs in my face are growing in a weird pattern that make them difficult to shave. I hope I don't have to do electrolysis. I really want FFS. The mirror came with tweezers. I thought that was really funny. It's like it knew what I needed. I plucked a lot of eyebrow hairs and it made me sneeze a lot. Sort of fun wih this new light mirror. They look a lot better now. I can't find my scissors. I want to trim the tops of my eyebrows to be in a straight line. My eyebrows feel softer now. My skin is so dry. i am probably dehydrated. Tonight for dinner i ordered WaWa delivery via private taxi service. I need to go grocery shopping but I don't know how. I don't have a car or a bicycle. When I am encountered with these problems in my life, I think I have a habit of accepting and surrendering. I forget that I can do things about issues. I could save up and get a car. But I really can't afford that. I could try to find a better job. But I know that there aren't any and I should be happy where I am. Are we in a recession? They'll never say yes. So I don't know. By they I mean the United States Government. I think it is important to define theys when make generalized statements. For dinner from WaWa I had a chicken tender hoagie with lettuce tomato cucumber pickles (no pickles) mustard mayo (everytime I clicked mayo on the app it glitched my whole phone out) salt pepper parmesan cheese? Lays chips and a Double Dutch Chocolate Milk. Chocolate milk feels reactionary these days. Raw milks carnivore reactionary whatever the fuck. I really can't stand these people. Reactionary online 'content creators'.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2025

It's noon. Making a habit of updating this page on my lunch break. Fell asleep writing on here last night. Today, I am wearing a pretty dress. It is black with blue and white and green flowers on it. I love floral stuff. I am also wearing a black cardigan that is missing a button, and some heavily distressed tights. They look normal below the knee but above my thigh and butt, there are massive holes. Some guy I hooked up with like 3 weeks ago hit me up. I don't know if I will respond. For lunch today I am doing 'depop lunch' where I look at clothes on depop instead of eating Lunch. Too scared to go outside or eat something. I will probably eat a granola bar here in a few minutes. Really happy that I did my eyebrows last night, they look so good today. Going to go to the bathroom and hit my vape real quick. I just seen a close friend from college on Hinge. Sxuality listed as pansxual. Do I have a chance? We'll see.

6:51 PM: I didn't message that guy. Some other guy on Grindr messaged me telling me I should go see the Phillies game with him. i was like do you have tickets? He was like no I mean at my house. Hahahahaha. I thought it would have been funny to have gone to see a Phillies game or something. Obviously he didn't mean in real life. That would have meant that he had an extra ticket to a baseball game and 4 hours before it started he was messaging random trannies to see if they wanted to go. I tried to get my friend Sammy to come over but she didn't respond. Fair. Two of my other roommates are moving out. I think its probably due to our interpersonal issues and that I don't do the dishes enough. My solution for the time being is to not cook. How am I supposed to get groceries? This is back to the same problem of not thinking I can solve my own problems. Theoretically, i am close enough, i could go to Trader Joes after work and then catch the trolley after. I will try that some nice day. Dermatologist appointment next week. I think it's weird how much of my time is taken up with work, but how little it all means moment to moment. It is pure work on such a repetitive and monotonous nature that it allows a degree of mental freedom, but only a degree. I feel the urge to explain the exact daily processes of my job. I will do it in this next paragraph.

I am going to describe commute because I think I am mentally on the clock at that point. 7:30-40: catch the trolley to Center city. as the trolley approaches the Portal, order coffee on the Dunkin Donuts mobile app. One medium coffee with one sugar and one cream. They always give me more than one. I think. I get off at my stop and I walk in the dunkin donuts on the corner and grab my coffee from the counter. I head to work, one block away. 8-8:07AM: Clock in. My job is mail. My day starts and ends with counting mail. That is fundamental to my job. Mail and how much of it we get. I work at law firm. We get mail from a government agency.

Friday, April 4th, 2025

Ok I feel asleep writing on here again. Maybe ill finish that section above some day. Was too tired to do an entry yesterday too. It took me like an hour and a half to get home last night. I left work at 5, went to the trolley station. The station had the blue light flashing signaling it is diverted. I walked back to the office and ordered an Uber. Uber connected - 15 mins away. Waited 10 mins, still 12 mins away. Rush hour traffic + trolley disabled = bad. Canceled my ride to connect with a new driver. 5 mins away! 5 mins later, she still 5 mins away. I canceled the ride because i saw the trolley was no longer diverted. Went to the station, it was packed. Waited 10 mins, no trolleys came. Left out of frustation. it is now like 5:30ish PM. I decided to kill some time while the crowd cooled off by getting some groceries. Stopped at Trader Joes and spent $35 on bullshit. Baguette, cheese, strawberries, raviolis, butter, sage, pot stickers, and some greek phylo dough bullshit with cheese. Went back down to the station. Waited 30MINS!!! For a trolley. Finally got home at like 6:49. What a load of crap! But when the trolley finally came, me and this middle aged women shared excitement together. Then, we sat next to each other on the train and small talked for a minute. Then, as we approached my stop, she complimented my hair and said she thought it looked pretty when we were waiting for the trolley. It was so nice. It made me think, did I ever get a compliment on my hair when me and Wilder lived together? I honestly don't think so. So things are looking up. Last night I watched this Anime my coworker recommeded, Dr. Stone. I watched the dub bc dubs make me laugh. This is an incredibly stupid survival game-type show. It's silly, but really fun. I am enjoying it! This morning, I woke up at 5:30 during a crazy thunder storm. It was flashing and rumbling constantly. Kitty got scared and layed up with me. I swear the lightning cracked our house in half, it was so loud. When I woke up again, the skies were clear. I wonder if I dreamed that or not.

Monday, April 7th, 2025

Good afternoon! It's 1PM here. Had a good weekend. My friend "Beautiful Sammy" came over Saturday morning and hung out till 6pm yesterday. It was nice to see Sammy. She is such a good friend. I finally got my room clean. I am 172.5LBs. Will keep you updated on that. Got another compliment on my hair today, this time from my coworker. The stock market has been crashing since the "Day of Liberation." Today, a fake news headline about a potential 90 day pause on global tariffs caused the market to shoot up. Once it was confirmed FAKE NEWS, they shot back down. How much longer can this go on? Will the markets continue to crash tomorrow? Last night, i installed Stardew Valley with a bunch of mods, including Stardew Valley Expanded. I quickly realized I am not familiar enough with regular stardew valley to play this expansion. But who knows, could be fun. Gonna go home tonight, watch Soul Eater, and play it. I am thinking about Her. I am trying to not miss her. I do not think she misses me. When I think too long about it, I get sad. I hope she is happy. But I also want it all to crash and burn. But I feel like, still now, a side character of my own mind.

9:21PM Gay gay gay gay gay bullshit. Today I watched the stock market do all sorts of stuff. I might be tapped into finance. I was thinking of the Oracle of Delphi. But what about the Oracle of PhilaDelphia. Interesting. Not playin stardew valley like I said I would. I sat my ass on the couch and watched videos on my phone. In some ways that makes me one of the greatest artists who ever lived. Just kidding lol. I would like to be that though. But the tough part about it is that in order to do that you have to actually do something. Oh wow. I've tried a lot of things. I like to do a lot of things. But I can't seem to do them anymore. I wish I had the same drive. Work is exhausting. And I was thinking about how my work in particular is so baffling. I work in immigration. But all I do is touch paper. I print visas, i send them out, I get the Good papers back. We get some bad papers. We are starting to get more bad papers. Lots of interviews. Deportation hearing. But my work, the work of My Team. Is that we are a limited liability consulting group. They hire us out to do the mail. Presumeably, this is some sort of way to avoid getting in trouble. But the work we do, it flattens everything out. It turns everything into emails, and paper, slips, and checks, pictures, and medicals and Mail. So much mail. It turns real people, in real life situations, into pieces of paper and annoyances. Frustrations. And I feel weird about the line of work too. I didnt know much about immigration law when I started. I still don't. but I have a feel for the business of it. i thought, working at this firm, that I was going into a field that was generally, morally, good. Come to find out, what I actually work at, is some sort of labor processing unit for capital interests. Should have known.We had a meeting when Trump was elected. They said their clients are very scared. But ultimately, it is good for business. The scarier the immigration, the more Lawyer you need. I Been thinking about it and theres probably so many typos and bad spellings on this page. There's no redline spell check on HTML. I could write these on Google Docs and then copy them over but that ruins the fun. I like seeing the different commands I typed and div classes and such. But spelling. I really, fundamentally, dont know how to spell some words. Is that okay? Do you have to know how to spell everything? I just got business the other day. Idk why that one was so hard for me. I can't believe I said I was going to watch Soul Eater earlier. Lmfao I knew I wasn't gonna do that. it takes a lot for me to Put Something On. Anime, especially. I wanna like Anime so bad. Cool girls like anime. Idgaf about Anime. Cheese time, yummy cheese time. I just ate some. Ok, time for bed. Bye bye see u tomorrow mwah.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2025

12:37PM, Caesar salad for lunch, new vape aquired.

10:35PM Cut out everything i wrote at noon. bad stuff. Sorry for the bad vibes.. Didnt do anything tonight. Watched videos on my computer. Ritz cracker muffin banana dinner.

Tuesday, April 15th, 2025

It's been a week! Haven't been on my A game with updating. Been employing the "ill do it tomorrow for sure" mentallity (mentality?) a lot. I had a guy over this weekend. It was awkward, but fun. I think there is something sinister in gay dating apps. It's like doordash for "romance" (on work computer). Indicitive of the B2B SAAS-ification of love. He was very sweet, but too far away. I made him travel 30 miles, three hours (really like 5) to see me. It wasn't even successful. But we had a nice night. He got there at 8PM and hung out till around 11. Not perfect, but this is real life. It can't always be perfect. He took off his shirt at one point and was like "sorry I didn't rip off my shirt and have a six pack like the movies" I said "this is real life, it's okay" he was like "what?". I am too bizarre to have a boyfriend. Was what we did gay? Only time can tell, and personally I think yes, for what its worth. I saw Sammy yesterday. I love Sammy. She is very very good friend. I might try again this week, we will see. Almost time for me to clock in for the day. We have a LOT of mail today, so that should be fun... Yayyyyyyy :( She sent me an instagram reel this weekend. I 'liked' it. I have therapy tonight. I am excited to see her and tell her about my weekend.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2025

Today I went grocery shopping after work. I had told Ezra, my roommate, that I was going to do it. Then I did it. I forced myself to do it. I had a cute dress on a stalon valor army jacket. I think I looked cool! I have been stuck in the twitter grind for too long. It's so hard to quit. I quit and I returned. i like the people in my phone. I like it when I get approval. But I'm definitely losing followers. Lol. I think I am just bad at it or something. I wonder why certain people follow and like my tweets. I appreciate them. The other day i noticed that I hadn't seen this one girl like my stories on instagram in a minute, so I checked on her Instagram and saw she had deactivated her page! Boom, gone forever. it made me kinda sad. Friend goodbye wow. For food today I had an 'oriental' salad (i thought you cant say that maybe im "too woke"). It was so delicious. Probably my new favorite.I wonder what my ex girlfriend of 5 years ago is doing. Lol. I wanna make art again. But work makes me drained. I think i need to stop smoking weed or something.

Thursday, April 17th, 2025

Tonight I made a pizza and it was kinda bad. But I have another dough. I think I just pulled the dough really bad. I Have another dough and more ingredients. I will try again. The dough needs salt. Its pretty bland. Needed more cheese. Needed less oregano. It needed salt. Everytime I hear a plane doing the doppler effect I think a nuclear bomb is going to blow me up.